“Out of Difficulties Grow Miracles” 1 Peter 5:10
I have poured over these words so often these past few months. I wondered what I would say, how I would say it, and how they would be perceived by others. For me, this is the most exciting yet hardest post I have ever had to write. Jay and I have always been very transparent about our journey to parenthood and my, what a roller coaster it has been. We have prayed, cried, wondered, cried again, questioned, prayed and then prayed some more. And finally in the midst of all of this we found out we were expecting twins. Yes, you read that right! TWINS! Talk about the shock of our lives! Our amazement at this news was beyond anything I can ever explain. To tell the truth, I think we are still a little bit in shock. However, we are so elated and blessed to be chosen by God to carry these beautiful souls. We are blessed beyond measure and can’t wait for the day these two little babies are born. Today though, I want to share something that has been on my mind and my heart.
As someone who has struggled with infertility for the better part of four years, you begin to lose sight of the possibility of ever becoming pregnant. You stop planning for this adventure because it is too difficult to share in this excitement every month, only to be let down each time it doesn’t happen. For Jay and I, we came to terms with this reality, we learned to adapt to a new adventure that was ahead for us. Even though our desire to pursue adoption came before we even learned about our infertility, a deeper desire grew when we began to pursue this path to start our family. We have spent almost three years walking through the adoption process, going to all of the necessary classes, completing the countless pages of paperwork, and really envisioning this path as a way to start our family. We no longer looked to a positive pregnancy test, but a positive connection with an expectant family online. We no longer dreamt about carrying our own child, but dreamt about the day we would get the call from our agency that we were a chosen family. We no longer prayed for God to bless us on our own path to becoming parents, but prayed for the mama who would give us the most amazing gift. Three years, we let our mindsets shift to this path and we were so excited for it! So much so that when we found out we were expecting it actually took us some time to move beyond this path we had prayed for for so long. It was actually a mourning process for me as I had to once again shift my mindset back to what we had always dreamt would happen. Not to mention the fact that I was experiencing guilt about getting pregnant when so many others are still waiting for this same blessing.
We no longer dreamt about carrying our own child, but dreamt about the day we would get the call from our agency that we were a chosen family.
I really do not want this to come off as me not being excited for this pregnancy, but I think that it is a part of our story and something that needs to be talked about. Someone once told me “a pregnancy will never take away the pain of infertility” and they are right. Just because we are now pregnant does not take away the years of negative pregnancy tests, the tears that were shed or the heartache that was felt. As someone who has felt the pain of infertility, it really did take me a little bit of time to realize the reality of what is now taking place. If you are someone who has found yourself pregnant after years of infertility and feeling this way, you are not alone. I have spoken with many other women who have been through this experience and have said the same thing. I truly believe that these feelings are just apart of this fertility journey and that they are normal emotions to experience. From joy, to shock, to guilt and to unending excitement, this is just another side of infertility. There are many reasons to be excited about a pregnancy, but for someone who has dealt with infertility, the celebration of a life growing inside of you is something I will never take for granted. Four years is a long time when you heart yearns so much for a child, but many married couples wait much longer than that and I pray that they will one day soon get their positive, whether that be a positive pregnancy test or a phone call saying that their baby is out there waiting for them.
There are many reasons to be excited about a pregnancy, but for someone who has dealt with infertility, the celebration of a life growing inside of you is something I will never take for granted.
For now our adoption is on hold. With two on the way, we feel it is best for our family to wait until we feel more settled to grow our family through adoption. Our agency has held our place on the adoption waitlist for now and once these babies are a year old, we will be able to re-apply to the program again to start the home study process over. Adoption is something that will forever be on our hearts. We will always yearn for the chance to adopt a child someday. And if the cards are right, we most certainly will. We are looking forward to what is ahead and relishing in this excitement. We pray every day that this pregnancy will continue to progress in the positive manner that it already has. We will continue to share updates on our page as this has always been Journey to Baby Cournia. Even though our path to becoming parents for the first time no longer means adoption, we will continue to pray that God will bless us with this gift someday. We will continue to believe in the power of adoption and the importance that others consider this path as well.
Lord, we thank you for the two miracles you have entrusted into our care. We pray that this pregnancy will continue to yield beautiful things. We pray for the couple still waiting to become parents and ask that you bless them in your timing as well. We continue to pray for the little ones still waiting for an adoptive home and ask that anyone considering this path to parenthood begin to pray frutifully for the plans you have for them. Amen.
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